


Arctic Monkeys

by WrtierJC



Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types
Genre: Adventure, Light-Hearted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25766971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrtierJC/pseuds/WrtierJC
Summary: In a spur of the moment, a retired adventurer comes back to help some new kids with a few quests.





	Arctic Monkeys

"Okay kids, I got your food!" The barmaid happily chirped as she balanced the wide tray in one hand.  
"All of it?" The young half-orc at the table gawked as the soft woman beamed. She grinned as her food was put down, but frowned.  
The waitress chuckled at the frown as she put down a plate and a mug. "We were outta veal, sorry. Still got you your beer, and gotcha some ham though, that okay?"  
The half-orc mulled and her lips curled up as she sniffed the food. "Meat is meat!" She grabbed the ham steak barehanded and started consuming, earning a scowl from the nearby half-elf.  
The barmaid set down a cold bowl in front of her, "Strawberry fruit salad." The half-elf, some kind of caster by her clothes, smiled at the juicy fruit meat. "Oh, and your seltzer." The barmaid put down a glass and corked bottle.  
The half-elf gave her a small smile, "Many thanks, onee."  
She replied in elven, "No prob, cutie."  
The half-elf shied away with a small smile and grabbed her fork.  
"Okay..." The barmaid took a moment and looked at the barely empty tray.  
She turned to the halfling girl who bounced in her seat. "For you..." She put down a bunch of small plates and bowls, cups and goblets and bottles in front of the wide grinning, bouncing halfling girl.  
"Three rolls and butter, diced cheese and salted pork, a croissant, tres leches, a scoop of blueberry ice cream, a pint of milk, a cup of white wine, and a pitcher of iced tea." She chuckled at the halfling's enthusiastic grin.  
"Yay! Thank you, mum!" She grabbed a spoon and fork and joined the half-orc in devouring food.  
She leaned in close to the human, the only man at the table, and whispered, "It's adorable how much a hobbit can eat, huh?" She pretended to chat him up, but she was really just pushing her covered but heavy breasts toward him.  
He gave her chest a wide eyed look, then blinked and chuckled with her. "Oh, Button's a cutie alright. Always brightens the mood wherever we go."  
'Button' bobbed her head as she stuffed her face with a buttered roll.  
"It warms my heart to see adventuring parties who like each other." The barmaid giggled as she put the man's food down for him. "Chuck steak, taters, and a mug of beer."  
He smiled down and grabbed a fork with one hand and his coin pouch with the other. "Er, can you break some gp?"  
The waitress bobbed her head and nodded. "Sure, sure. But this'll be a solid 3gp."  
"Easy enough, thanks." He handed her three gold, and slid an extra few silver with a wink.  
She covered her mouth and giggled. "Thank you."  
Pocketing all that and holding the tray behind her, the barmaid lingered for a moment, "So, you are adventurers, right? Out to make a name for yourselves?"  
"That's-"  
The man started, till the half-orc interrupted, "Yep! And Mira's the leader!"  
The man gave her a dour look. "I'm Pharrey. That's Mira, Button and Ariel."  
The mentioned waved and gave hellos, and the waitress smiled. "I'm Fifo Fife. I used to be something of an adventurer, myself."  
Pharrey's brows rose, "Really? What happened?"  
Fifo Fife's smile turned crooked. "Personality conflicts and rotating rosters. Hopefully it won't happen to you, but after a few quests, bad interactions stack up higher than cohesive party arrangement can excuse."  
"I'm so sorry to hear that, onee. You still maintain some kind of presence, so you must've gotten quite far in your career..." Ariel sipped her seltzer. "We came here because I sensed some kind of spellcaster. Was that you?"  
"Yep!" Fifo Fife snapped her fingers and pointed up. "I work and live here."  
The half-orc picked her teeth and dully wondered, "You retired and became a tavern wench?"  
Fifo Fife's brow twinged. "I retired and bought my own bar. And with the leftover money I don't need to even run it for twenty years."  
Pharrey flinched, and sputtered beer into his mug, "T-twenty years!" He tapped it down onto the table, "Just what kind of adventurer were you?"  
"A cool kind." Fifo Fife gave a small smile and a bob of the head and swish of the hips. "Property taxes ain't nothing compared to the magic item economy, lad."  
Ariel smirked, "She's not wrong."  
"S-still..." The man of the evening muttered, "If you were swinging that kind of money around as a... As a necessity, you must have been tackling incredible foes."  
Fifo Fife put a finger to her chin and pondered with a smile. "I gave an Illithid a seizure, and..." She sighed as the only thoughts of eventful days came were infighting, and her smile soured. "Well... It's been a while, but the grind was there."  
"Are you..." Pharrey looked at his allies then back at her. "Are you free, perhaps?"  
"Hah, what for some adventuring?"  
"Yes!"  
Button burped into her fist and pulled out a scroll. "We got a real doozy, and came to town looking for some extra hands!"  
Fifo Fife tsk'd. "Well..." She plucked up the scroll and gave it a look. She muttered through the boilerplate quest bullshit, lore, who sent it, and skipped to the keywords. She grinned off into space. The process was all coming back.  
"Ah, a fetch quest..." She muttered, "Ah, so this noblewoman needs you to take back her family heirloom from some gnolls."  
She took a moment and really forced herself not to show the realization of just how weak this party was if this was a challenge.  
"Y-yeah, you know what, I think I got some free time!"  
Button giggled and cheered, "Yay! I got us our extra help, go me!"  
"Hold on, Button, come on..." He turned back to Fifo Fife, "We can't properly pay you, considering how powerful you are, you must be used to getting paid at least a hundred gold per quest."  
Hundreds, actually, but, "Nah, I'm doing this because I want to." "Well... Great!" Mira yawned and gulped down the rest of her beer. "The Sun Risers gots two wizards now? Great..." Fifo gave her a smirk and turned back to Pharrey, "I'll go get my stuff... Hold tight!" She dismissed herself, leaving the group to finish eating as she ascended to unpack her old adventuring gear. The 'Sun Risers' gave Fifo a collective confused, awed and surprised look as she stepped out and locked up her bar.  
She looked over her shoulder as she got the third lock barred in and slid a marble under the door. "What's up?"  
Ariel pointed at her and dumbly muttered, "コスプレ。 。 。 コスプレです。"  
Fifo Fife bobbed her head and replied in elven, "読者に翻訳を強要しないでください。"  
"Sorry..." Ariel pushed her glasses high up on her nose. "Why are you dressed up like that?"  
"It's my travel outfit!" Fifo Fife twirled around in her old adventuring outfit, her bouncing and swaying attracting eyes on various parts from various members of the party. Although it had been more than a decade since she had a reason to leave the city, they still fit. Mostly. They were roomy before, but now they just fit. Really fit. "There's good luck in these threads. Plus they're enchanted. As tough as leather."  
She fixed her big wizard hat on and grabbed her cape. It whipped against a wall, resounding in a hearty crack despite it being simple fabric. She also raised and smoothed a hand down her thigh and calf, which were wrapped in a blue, scaled legging. "Been a while since I wore these. Dragonhide leggings~"  
"Impressive." Mira mutters. "I want one."  
Pharrey raised his hands. "One quest at a time, please!"  
Button bounced, waving her knives, "Yeah, sooner this is done sooner we can come back and eat more of Fifo's cooking!"  
Fifo Fife giggled into her hand and drew out her violin. "Shall we be off?"  
"And she plays violin..." Pharrey stared as they marched off.  
Fifo Fife smirked to herself as she started playing, wondering if these kids would be surviving raiding an entire gnoll fortress.


End file.
